A complete 180....

I've always thought of myself as somewhat laid back and trusting when it came to my relationships. I prided myself as the cool girlfriend. Nothing like the jealous controlling girls I often heard my guy friends complain about. I was determined to prove that there is nothing wrong with having your life, let him have his life and then having your life together.... Until I got married. Now I'm not so sure. Is it so bad to not feel comfortable with your significant other going out by themselves for long periods of time and often? And how often is often? Although to sit down and think of it, it may be just 2 or 3 times a month, it seems more and more often.

Do I trust my partner? The answer is yes I do. Do I enjoy somethings that he does?... no. As asinine as it sounds I do believe that trust takes a long time to build up but it takes suspicion, not proof to destroy it and when there are occasions in which someone seems suspicious it chips away at that trust and all the rationalizations that you come up with sound more and more like something you would call bullshit on if they were coming from someone else about their relationship.

What if these friends are often women? Of course you've heard of them in conversation and they've been friends for years but how close can your partner be with someone of the opposite sex before you are allowed to begin having doubts. The phrase "She's like a sister to me" has become meaningless because over the years my belief that males and females can be ONLY friends has become hazy. Yes if there is a fair amount of respect for each other (and relationships you're in) there may not be anything but platonic relations but given the right circumstance men and women would take it to non-platonic territories especially when alcohol is involved. Not saying everybody cheats because it's simply not fair to generalize such things but to say that everyone doesn't have the capacity to cheat that would be false as well. Also, looks have nothing to do with it. I've heard things such as "No one finds me attractive but you" and "Women are not knocking down my door to get to me" and my personal favorite "If anything I should be worried because you are the good looking one". I've thought about it and have decided it's all bullshit. Everyone is looking according to their own tastes and in my case most of these people are exes and so there was an attraction at some point. But again being that I claim to trust this man, should I really be thinking this way? Does all trust have to be blind and unconditional?

I know he flirts with these women and as much as it may be "innocent" flirting, I know it happens. How do I know? I've read some of the things he's written to other females on the net and it was nothing like I ever expected to read. Of course this female lived in another state and it would could be construed as banter but it hurt me so bad I went out drank and cried. Did I mention it to him? No... Why? Because I didn't want to be accused of snooping (which I wasn't doing). I was recently in a similar situation but this time by text. It sometimes seems like something puts this in my face to knock me out. This time I didn't give an F* about him thinking I was snooping and I asked him about it... Apparently, there are things that are big deals to me that are not to him. This would be fine if he would offer to do something about it but instead he asks me what I want him to do which urks me to no end. I'm not his friggin mother to tell him how to act. Just think about how he would feel if the tables were turned and then answer your own damn question.

It's times like this that I feel like I have no spine. I sometimes wish I can be a bitch. I feel that I compromise too much but then again I don't want to lay down the law because I feel it's counterproductive. I know this was the person he was when I met him but am I wrong to think he should make adjustments now that he has a family of his own? During one of our discussions he told me that he never really believed in marriage. Not necessarily be with one person forever but mostly the legal obligation to be there. If it were up to him, we would have had a real long engagement. What am I supposed to do with that? Am I supposed to thank my lucky stars that he made the exception?

The hardest part of all this is that we really are good for each other. We are happy and understand each other but it's these kinds of things that sour the milk. I sometimes feel like I made my own bed thought since I was so laid back before but then again I think he thinks that just because he doesn't concern himself too much when I go out that I should be the same way. I sometimes wish he did care a bit more. Caring does not equal mistrust. You know what he said when I told him that it seems he goes out alot more than I do.... He said "that's not my fault"... WTF!!!! I'm not asking to go out more... I'm asking him to have some f**** consideration for my feelings in all this. Is that too much to ask for? Why is it so hard to convince someone that you trust him but that doesn't mean you're blind to the potential of something happening?

What would feel worse... being resented for not being the person they expected you to be (the cool GF) or continue to dismiss these pangs in your stomach because you don't want him dismiss you as just another jealous twit?

I don't know but it's eating me up inside because I can't explain it. I feel ashamed to discuss it with anyone. I try to talk to him about it but it always comes out wrong and I feel like I'm attacking him. So I write. I've been "writing" in my head for a while but now I'm doing it here because I can't say it out loud without breaking down.. although tears are docked ready to flow as my fingers brush the keys.



With the lil one and other craziness at home, I have found it hard to keep up this blog so I will put it on hold for the time being. I do however try to keep up my other blog found here. Stop on by if you get the chance.


I'm Baaack!!!

Happy Holidays (or what left of them). I know I haven't posted here a while but the last few months have been an up and down rollercoaster especially with the holidays.

If you're not in the know yet, you can read some of the hijinx over at my other blog.

With 2008 coming to a close, I would usually give a list of New Year's Resolutions which would inevitably include losing weight and paying off my credit card debt. This year though, I will be writing another list:

8 Things I have learned in 2008

8. EVERYTHING happens for a reason. Back in July, I was distraught because I was unable to close on a 1 bedroom condo that I was purchasing. Come to find that not only was that a blessing in disguise because I am now the proud owner of a 2 bedroom condo but I have a much better interest rate AND had less closing costs. Not to mention that with the new addition to my family, a one bedroom would have been pretty cramped.

7. No matter what life throws at you, as long as you have your friends and family to support you, no mountain is too high to climb.

6. Even the most "evil" people can change their ways when a baby is involved.

5. Maternity clothes kick serious ass in the comfy department. I know they tell you that you shouldn't wear them postpartum but really... how can you expect me to wear regular binding jeans after experiencing the wonderfulness that is the belly panel. ;-)

4. As much time and effort you put into your job, remember that it is only a job. When layoffs come down, the decisions are usually made by people who do not know you from the next person. All those 15 hour days you put in during the heavy season would not be considered when compared to someone making less than you with no benefits.

3. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst ALWAYS. I have been blessed with much good fortune this year but I know that it can go away as quickly as it came. Always have a rainy day fund.

2. The best things come from unexpected places. This year, my entire family had to tighten the purse strings for the holidays so we all knew that the presents we get would not be much but everyone managed to get each other something that put smiles on our faces. I received the camcorder I had been eyeing since October but didn't buy because I didn't think it was needed quite yet. It was amazing that my sister who I have to say didn't have much to spare (she has a 1 year old) managed to get it for me as a Xmas/Wedding/baby shower gift. LOL My mom also gave us money towards our wedding rings, wedding family dinner AND a new crib. I almost cried (I say almost because these days if I start I can't stop).

1. Nothing is more important than your family. That includes the friends that will be there for you no matter what; the family you grew up with that no matter how much they can drive each other crazy, they can still manage to laugh together as they dance around like fools at the end of a loooong night. And of course the one you choose to spend the rest of your life with. Without the BF's patience, love and understanding, I don't think I would have ever known what it is to love someone and truly be loved back.

I don't think that I could have made it through half of the hijinx this year without the special people in my life. So if I would make any resolutions for this year, it would have to be to make sure that all these people in my life know exactly how special they are as often as possible.

Love, Peace and Hairgrease!!! =) HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!


Free Love

So in my daily procrastination reading of blogs, I come across this blog* that has a Free Love offer referring the reader to go to their Blog Policy. Curious and still chuckling from Craig's latest post on the colorful folks on Craigslist, I wandered over there to find this gem, that really should be up there with Craig's Top 10 love posts...


This blogger really does practise what he preaches. I love all my readers. Really, I do. You all have the right to contact me whenever you so choose. And any female readers who propose sex to this blogger, will find the situation considered on its own merits. This blogger will be loathe to turn anyone down between the ages of 20 and 45, who has a decent figure and a discreet attitude. You will, however, be asked to sign a confidentiality agreement. Furthermore, you are asked to remember that you remain simply a reader and you are not to attach any significance to this. You will not consider sex having taking place- or indeed any other personal relationship of any kind- as making you any different to any other reader.

You will also remember that every single other reader has an equal right to be given anything that I give you.

Ultimately, you will regard any interaction you have with myself as a pleasurable, but ultimately subsidiary by product of blogging. I love you all in your own way, and I'm prepared to love anyone as they love me. But never forget, no one owns me. And no one ever will. You can all have a piece of me, but it stays just that. A piece.
Couldn't make this up if I tried...

*I usually would not link to this guy since I really don't like his blog but because it's proper blogosphere protocol to link quotes, I felt the need to.


My take on the Election...

Yes this is late but I was bed bound and half asleep when I found out the results of the election so here is my possibly naive look on the aftermath of Obama being elected our next President.

First, I've heard many references from people and the media how he is our savior, being the first black president in history... Doesn't anyone remember that he is also half white (and other races depending on who you talk to)? I don't doubt that he still suffered through many of the trials and tribulations many people of color go through everyday but does make him the next Messiah?

He is still a politician and no matter what anyone tells me, all politicians have their price or do favors for those who "supported" them. Race, descent, sex doesn't guarantee anymore loyalty than height,weight or hair color. Like President Clinton, Obama is very charismatic. But in my short life, the people who are the most manipulative are the most charismatic. They flash a smile, tell you what you want to hear and in the background they do what they want and leave you wondering how you let it happen. Don't get me wrong, I am not a McCain advocate either but I'm just sickened by how people are idolizing him. This is not a race thing for I am of non-white descent but it's about realizing that this man can do as much damage as a white man or white woman.

Maybe it's the hate for Bush and the War that gives people high hopes for a new Era. Or maybe it's just people's ignorance that the Obama camp counted on to get into office. Or maybe, McCain was not meant to win. Picking such an extremist for VP, not really talking about much of the issues, and being older than dirt... Seems a lil odd to me.

I'm not really into politics (pause for inevitable backlash), I'm one of those many folks that go out to vote only to know that my one vote doesn't really count towards much especially since I'm not part of a swing state ( I swear those people must get individual fruit baskets from the candidates) It may be ignorant and naive but I think that as many promises as the President makes it's like an ice cream cone... "Here's a little something to make you happy. Something sweet that melts in five minutes."

So people heed my words, don't idolize this man for he is not God. He is a man just like Bush was and Clinton was and Regan was. He will make mistakes. Mistakes that will cost us working folk lots and rich folks not so much. He may surprise me and do what he said he would but that is still yet to be seen. I'm approaching this with an open but realistic mind. We'll talk again after 2009...

*Quote from Claire - Elizabethtown


Tricks Or Treats

Ok so this may be cliche but it's amazing how Halloween gives some females the green light to look like they'll actually be turning tricks while teasing to give up their treats. Really, I'm all for sexy costumes but I draw the line at slutty especially if you're not blessed with the body to pull it off (pun not intended but fitting nonetheless).

Being of the normal sized variety of female, it's such a trial to even find a classic witches' costume that leaves something to the imagination. That being said I would like to give props to one of the costumes I know of that I think are brilliant albeit slightly politically incorrect...



I have some news... go here to find out what it is.